Vacation

In November, I booked and paid for a family vacation. It's Zach's senior year and I asked him what he wanted to do for spring break. He wanted to go skiing. None of us have ever been so I made it happen. We've never taken family vacations unless it was too visit family in Missouri.

After our separation ended in 2021, I made it a priority to travel. I'd booked beach vacations and other places with our without my husband. He didn't like to go anywhere and didn't like to spend money. So i did it and paid for all of it.  

Now we're in the middle of a divorce, he's not allowed within a mile of me, and it's family vacation time. I told Zach he could bring a friend. It feels both so weird and so wonderful to be here. I know there would have been so much more stress if he was with us. There was always stress and anger. It's easier to see that now that I'm away from it. I spent so much time trying to keep him happy and from blowing up, trying to keep the kids from the truth, and trying to keep myself together. Today I just get to be however I feel. 

Yesterday was our first day at the resort. Zach, his friend, and I went tube sledding. Avery wanted to stay in the room. I had fun and I was a little sad. I was lonely. I wanted someone to share this with. But i was also OK. I acknowledged my feelings and felt them instead of stuffing them down. I took a picture of myself and I don't recognize the pure joy I see in my face. I've faked it for so long It's startling to see. 

I'm looking forward to more joy and a life I've only dreamed about.