February

On January 30, school released early for potential winter storms. Zach and I made it home to dropping temperatures. I had him chop wood for the fireplace incase we lost electricity. I was scheduled for a conference the next day and found out they moved out to virtual. Tuesday I spent the day in my room doing the conference. When it was over, I went with my husband to the grocery store. We didn't need much there was still a lot of left overs from the party 3 days before. 

It started as soon as we entered the store. The first stop was produce. He put celery in the basket. I made the mistake of asking why he was buying celery. He got irritated and said he needed it for his stew. I told him I'd bought 2 for the party and only used one. I just figured he didn't know. Honestly, celery isn't something we keep in the house. He said he would just get that. I could tell he was mad and just shook it off, like I always did. Something else happened but I can't remember what. I just remember thinking how crazy this was that we couldn't even grocery shop together anymore. Then we were in the meat department. I asked if he needed stew meat. He got madder and snapped no he was using this and pointed to ground beef. Again i apologized, and said I was sorry I thought he was making stew and I was just going to grab it for him. 

This has become typical for us. Whatever I said was wrong and would set him off. 

The next day was Wednesday, February 1

. Since I'd worked all day of my snow day I 

decided staying in bed and playing on my phone was a wonderful plan. I got up and grabbed something to drink and climbed back into bed. I told him I was going to spend my day in bed. This isn't an approved activity. I'm supposed to be wherever he is and he was in the living room. 

At some point he came through the bedroom into the bathroom. He was on there a long time then walked through the bedroom. I said, "aren't you going to wash your hands?" Not washing hands is a huge thing with him. He is always yelling at Avery about it and telling him he disgusting. He became enraged and went back into the bathroom, slammed his phone down, and said god dammit! He then left the bathroom through the laundry room. As he passed the bedroom, I asked are you mad? I had to ask twice because he typically ignored whatever I said to him. 

He told me how he was tired of me giving him the third degree and always questioning him. I was blown away and asked what he was talking about. He said the celery! Omg are you kidding me? I tried to explain I thought he didn't know I'd just bought it and we still had it. He proceeded to tell me I didn't love him. His emotional outburst continued with him crying and then angry. He walked out of the room and I just quietly said I'm done. That he heard. He rushed back in wanting to know what I was talking about. I told him I was done. Our marriage was dead. That we'd discussed in counseling that I was concerned we would make it past Zach going off to college and I said we wouldn't. I told him I wasn't planning on leaving but I was done and after Zach left we could figure out how to end things. 

That flipped a switch in him. He was going to fight for our marriage. He wanted me to hug him and I wouldn't. He started trying to pull me out of the bed. Trying to sit me up, drag me up so I would hug him. By this point I was hyperventilating. I couldn't get in enough air. He was trying to put my arms around his neck and they were completely limp. I was sobbing being him not to put a bullet in my head. I had this horrible feeling. I was begging him not to do that to our kids. He was still grabbing and trying to drag me out of the bed. He wanted me to go ride on the golf cart with him. No, I begged him please leave me alone. I was finally laying back in bed on my side. Then he started tickling me. I laughed involuntarily. He said see this is with fighting for. He finally left the room and I couldn't believe what just happened. I'd told him our marriage was over and he wouldn't listen to he l me. 36 hours later I would leave to take Zach on a college tour.