I have spent days packing up what I have remaining at the old house. I have to move soon. I hate moving! I am looking forward to my new life and I've already started it. I have new routines and peace. I have peace every day in my house. There is no anger unless it's Avery mad about something, but he doesn't last long and I can deal with him. He lived with his dad and his anger for 29 years, and I know it's affected him. He will feel the peace too, soon. Avery took a lot from his dad. I would step in and stop it when I was there. He would yell at me that I'd cut his legs out from under him but it's not ok to be abusive. And it's not ok to be abusive to your disabled child. I do have guilt, I should have left sooner. The should have, would have, could haves in life will keep your head spinning.
What I do know is I did leave and I've left twice. The first time I left was in October 2020. I couldn't take who I'd turned into anymore. I was so beaten down. I was being yelled at daily and multiple times a day. Nothing I did was right, so I rented a house and left. I told my kids that night that I was going to save myself and them and I hoped that I could save their dad as well. I was gone for 8 months before trying again. I believed him when he said he would get help and that he understood what he'd done wrong. He understood how angry he had been and he would change. He didn't change, he held it together as long as he could then it cost me big time.
A book I recently read said to list out what your abuser cost you. I have thought about doing that but really it feels wrong to me. What I want to list out is what I'm claiming, what I'm manifesting.
- A life filled with love and joy
- A new house filled with peace
- A new job
- Traveling
- Spending time with Zachery
- Finding a new life with Avery
- Being loved the way I love
- Being active
Comments
Post a Comment