On Saturday, February 4, Zach and I got home from his college tour. It was the 4th one we had been on and it was the place. I knew this was his home for the next four years. We'd stopped and had lunch with his Aunts and did some shopping on the way home. My husband called me on our way home at about 6:30. He was asking if I wanted to go out to eat or if he should cook dinner. He knew we'd just eaten a couple hours before and I told him we weren't hungry and had been in the car since early that morning and didn't really feel like going out. He said he would just make something for him and Avery.
We got home a little after 7:00. He had just finished making dinner and he and Avery were fixing their plates. They came into the garage to help us with our things to get into the house. I was doing my best to keep my distance for a couple of reasons. First, the conversation we'd just had two days before and because he was acting very strangely. He was manic. He was talking very fast and extremely happy. He did grab me and hugged me and I just awkwardly patted his back. The kids were both in the kitchen. I told him the dinner smelled good and he kept saying oh I just heated it up it's not as good as you make. I poured half a glass of wine and sat down in the living room with him while he ate. The boys went to their rooms.
I asked him how his stew turned out. He said he hadn't had time to make it because he'd been so busy. He asked if I wanted him to make it the next day. I said I didn't care, then he said he could thaw out the meatloaf. I told him it didn't matter to me and he kept saying do you want meatloaf, over and over. I told him I really didn't know what I wanted for dinner the next day and I didn't really want to talk about meatloaf. He just kept saying do you want meatloaf? Over and over and laughing. It was so strange. Then he said he was just kidding.
I told him about Zach's college tour and that we'd found the place for him. I called Zach out and told him to tell his dad about it. I told him the move-in date and he got excited. He had a trip to Vegas planned and was happy that it wasn't at the same time. He asked if he could go. I said of course. He started saying how excited he was and he really wanted to see that. Saying how wonderful that would be and he couldn't wait to see it. Again, he was talking really fast and sounded manic. I have never seen this from him before. Zach went back into his room and we were watching TV.
At some point, I commented that I needed to take a bath and he said he needed to take a shower. I told him to go ahead because I was going to rest a bit first. He told me to come on and I said no. He said, yes come on. Again, I told him no and he wanted to know why. I asked if he really wanted to talk about this right now. He looked very confused. He asked me again and I said no thank you. I told him we'd just had a discussion a couple days before and I hadn't changed how I felt. He dropped his head and became very upset. He then left the room.
I was pretty freaked out by now. When he got back he poured himself a cup of bourbon. Zach needed help with his scholarship application so I went in there to help him. A few minutes later he came into the room and looked very upset and told Zach good night. I asked if he was going to bed and he didn't answer me, he just walked out. I knew my suitcase and stuff were still on the bed so I went in there. I asked if I could turn on the light. He said yes and I asked if he wanted to talk. I felt bad he was upset.
He did want to talk and sat up in bed. I put the suitcase on the bathroom floor and sat on the bed. He grabbed my hands and I pulled away saying ouch. He said, 'oh you're going to do that?'" I didn't know what he was talking about then he accused me of smiling. I wasn't smiling. He said how serious this was and I agreed. He started talking about how we needed to go to marriage counseling and I looked away confused because he said what we'd gone to before wasn't marriage counseling. Then he yelled at me for looking away. I looked at him and told him I was sorry. He told me that we should have only discussed "the marriage" in therapy. He told me I had to give him another chance and he was going to get well and be a good husband. I told him I hoped that was true because that would be good for his next wife. He leaned back and said he wouldn't ever get married again and he wasn't going to live much longer. He kept saying I'm not going to live much longer, not long at all. This isn't the first time he has used this on me. His threats of suicide have happened in the past when he thought he'd lose me. Like when I found out about one of his affairs.
I offered to go see the Dr. we'd previously seen for one more visit to help him understand. He refused to see him and only wanted to see someone who would teach us both to communicate and not talk about anything other than "the marriage!" I told him I wasn't willing to do that. He called me selfish. I told him he should be concerned about my emotional well-being for a change instead of his own. He got up on his knees over me and said he wasn't worried about himself he was only worried about "THE MARRIAGE!" I was getting scared at this point. He then got out of bed and opened his nightstand drawer. I asked what he was doing and he said he didn't know.
He then walked around the end of the bed, so I turned to face him. He grabbed my arm to make me look at him and I said oww you're hurting me! He let go of me. He kept talking about 'the marriage' and then kept walking around the bed. I turned again and was sitting on the edge of the bed. He sat down next to me telling me marriage was forever and grabbed my arm and leg. He squeezed my leg really hard and again I cried out oww you're hurting me! He said something and then told me I knew he would never hurt me. He then walked into the bathroom and closet. I made sure I had my phone and followed him in there. He was taking his wallet out of his pants. I asked what he was doing and he said he didn't know. Then he got his keys and set the wallet and key fob on a tub in the closet. He said what did it matter what he was doing because I didn't love him.
He then put his hand on the shelf next to his gun. I told him I was sorry that it was my fault I changed and I was sorry. He kept telling me, 'marriage is for LIFE!' He was becoming more and more unhinged. I told him I thought it was best if the kids and I went into town and stayed at a hotel that night. Then he came towards me and told me no I wasn't going anywhere. I backed into the bathroom and he followed. He kept looking me in one eye and then the next then telling me marriage was for LIFE! I was so scared.
Again, I said the kids and I needed to go for the night to a hotel and he told me no I wasn't leaving. I tried to stop the conversation because he was becoming more and more unhinged. I grabbed my suitcase and rushed into the bedroom. He followed me and told me to stop. I told him I needed this conversation to stop. He said he would go to bed if I stayed. I said you'll go to bed? He said he would. He told me to go take a bath and that he would go to bed. I put my suitcase in the bathroom so I could access it.
I then spent the next couple of hours figuring out how to get out of the house. I believe he was trying to decide if he should kill me. I know his putting his hand next to his gun was a threat. I didn't know that his grabbing me was assault. I did get a bruise on my leg from it. I had no idea that was a crime. I believe it was also a crime for him to not let me leave the house. I was so messed up and terrified I couldn't think what to do. Calling the police never occurred to me. When Zach wanted to call them after we left, I told him no because it would make his dad mad. I just wanted to keep him calm and not get hurt anymore. I was trying to keep my kids from knowing what was happening.
I know today that while this was the first instance of physical abuse, he did get physical with me a few days before when he was trying to pull me out of bed. I also know now that he had abused me for years prior to this mentally and emotionally. He controlled me for many years and when I stopped being controlled he started to lose it. He had told Zach that he controlled me with his emotions before. He knew was he was doing and I wasn't smart enough to see it. I believed that if I loved him enough I could heal his past damage and he would be able to love me. I know today that was never possible.
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