I'm not even sure what the catalyst was for the end. I knew in October that we wouldn't likely make it. I talked about it in marriage counseling that summer. I was worried we wouldn't make it past Zachery leaving for college. He refused to address my concerns. He held it together through therapy and played the game well. It was a checklist for him. By November I was making a safety plan with my therapist. Prior to this he scared me once before. The night I told him I'd rented a house and was leaving. I was worried he was going to kill me. My sister in law called me the next day and told me not to go to the house to get stuff like I was supposed to. He'd scared her too. She was afraid of a murder suicide.
In November, I asked him why he was acting so weird because I was using his laptop. He flipped out that night. He was standing on the porch telling me I didn't love him. I saw that hatred in his eyes that night. I told my therapist about it and she asked if I'd ever been scared before. I had to admit that I had been. We started the safety plan and talked about abuse cycles. We had moved into a good few days and I wasn't scared any longer. Had I imagined it?
When you have been gaslighted for years, it's hard to trust yourself. He would be angry and tell me how happy he was. He would treat me horribly and tell me how hard he was trying. He did move my car once in the rain for me. That kind of mental abuse takes a toll.
Prior to me leaving the first time I'd walked around for a year saying, "I'm sorry, I'll do better." I said this daily and usually multiple times a day. Everything i did was wrong. I mowed wrong, I folded his clothes wrong, didn't use the right amount of laundry soap, did the dishes wrong, spoke too loud, walked too loud, ate the wrong foods, drove wrong, and so many other things.
My birthday was at the end of January. I'd asked for a party for years. He would tell me he didn't know how to do that. We'd just moved into our new house the month before and I decided to throw my own party. I had a housewarming/ birthday party.
Earlier that week we closed on our house loan. We'd gone from a building loan to a mortgage. As soon as I signed those papers, things stated to change. He was yelling more, not being as nice, and just like he didn't have to try any more. That was the 21st of January and my party was the 28th. He bought a brisket and pork shoulder for the party and put them on the smoker the night before. He went to work that morning and I started cooking. There was a lot of food and I started early. I also cleaned the house and did grocery shopping. I made all of his favorite things he'd asked for. I bought all the food except for the brisket and pork. I took care of the meat on the smoker and spent my day singing and dancing in the kitchen. I did everything with joy. I was happy.
He got home from work and went out to smoke a cigar. He told me we didn't have enough food and I should have told him sooner how many people were coming. I'm sorry, he never asked and I did tell him who I invited. His sister was there and we went to the store to get more food for me to make.
While I was cooking he'd come in and was being mean to Avery. Avery stood up himself and told him not to talk to him like that. I had been in the other room and don't really know what happened, just what his sister told me. I do know later he was criticizing Avery for eating. Telling him he was overweight and didn't need to eat, as he stuffed food in his own mouth. He criticized me for not having the food cooked sooner. Then he went back outside to smoke his cigar. He did help me make the pasta salad because I told him to. He told me he didn't know how, so I showed him the instructions.
During the party he kept sending Avery to get me, I was showing people around. He told his sister she was stupid for leaving early because she had a grocery delivery coming. He yelled at me in the kitchen because I hadn't gotten people fed, because I was socializing. Then he yelled at Zach in front of everyone.
I was done. I knew I couldn't do more. He made me go to bed. I wanted to clean up a bit and have some down time. He stood there until I did what he said. The next day I told Zach I was sorry for how his dad treated him. He asked if he was drunk. I said no he wasn't. Zach said, oh just showing off in front of his friends. I took a deep breath and told Zach that our marriage wasn't going to make it. I told him that I wasn't going to blow up his world, but when he went off to college I was going to choose myself. He hugged me and understood. He knew what we'd been through,and he knew his parents.
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